She walks with a slight bounce and dress in plain jeans and long sleeved checked shirts. Always tucked in. She is also in love with loafers and sneakers. Her dreads are sewed into cute thin lines with the finishing hanging behind her neck. Her skin is chocolate. And when you stare at her face for long you will feel the definition of beauty ringing in your head. Okay, I know you want me to say that she has a fine ass and curved hips so yeah, she has a nice ass and curved hips. Happy now? Yes? Moving on.
The lady I just described above is my neighbour for around 3 months now. I do not know her name because I have never asked. We exchange smiles when we meet and then everyone minds their own business, with my business being looking back just to make sure that her ass was still behind her. You know, if you are a lady with such an ass, it will come as no surprise if the ass decided to go its separate way and strike deals on its own.
And as beautiful as this lady is, she is not into men. I bet she looks at men and wonders why God created us in the first place, the same way we always wonder why some creatures like chameleons and cockroaches were created. Hate these creatures. Terry-Anne here (let’s just call her that) is into women. And to show just how serious she is, she has gone ahead and married a fellow woman (True story). A kick ass woman, my friend. Her wife dresses in short skirts and high heels and killer smiles. When she steps out everything freezes for a moment because the elegance oozing out of her is enough to wash our sins away. (Blasphemy, I know.)
And she, obviously, just like her husband, er, girlfriend, doesn’t care for men either. So the two are happily married and the wife is definitely okay with being a housewife since it Terry-Anne who works. If you ask me how I know all this then you definitely do not live in Africa, or Kenya, or Nairobi. Especially Nairobi.
Nairobi is the hub of gossip. Gossip knock on our doors every day dying to be heard. And even if you will ignore it because you are reading from the book of John and you do not want any destruction, or you are meditating or making love, the gossip will not give up. You will open the door 4 years later to find it leaning against your wall, or pacing up and down, and then whether you like it or not, it will narrate everything it wanted to narrate to you. And the truth is, we all love gossip. All of us. Including those women who post pictures on Facebook with countless hashtags claiming they have got no time for gossip and gossipers. Those ones, especially, have all the time for gossip and gossipers, because they are one, to begin with.
So we all know that the above women are living together as husband and wife, or as wife and wife, depending on how you want to put it. And I have always been fascinated with their kind of relationship. I have always wanted to know what it is that draws women to other women. And because I couldn’t talk to my neigbhbours because we ain’t that close, I turned to my friend who is a self-confessed lesbian to look for answers.
So I Whatsapped her, “Look, I am asking because I want to write a blog post on this and don’t worry, I will keep your identity hidden.”
“Don’t even bother hiding it,” she wrote back, “Because I am not ashamed of who I am, Brian. Plus I really do not give a fuck what people think, so yeah, you go ahead and publish my name.”
Hehee, zero chills. These are the type of women who before leaving the house in the morning empty their handbags of all fucks. So they have none to give.
But she mentioned that falling in love with a fellow woman is a different kettle of fish. You will never have to worry about them cheating on you and to be honest with you, they can go down on you like nobody’s business. That last part she did not put it like that. What she said was something I can’t publish here but in short, you guys remember the brother Ocholla story, right? Remember what Ocholla was promising that girl? Something to do with cloud nine? Hell yeah. My friend says that women make sure they give each other orgasm. Men? The usual braggadocio but when it comes to this maneno, they are like rats which chew your fingertips at night and blow some soft air in that place — so you won’t feel a thing.
I couldn’t disagree with her because only she knows the truth. Men, don’t believe your woman when she says that you do it for her. Chances are, she is only massaging your ego. Plus she knows the truth will definitely have you spend nights in bars asking God why you. The same way only women know who the real father to your children is is the same way they only know whether you are actually good in bed or not. But should you insist on knowing the truth, just insult her hair and the truth will find you in your corner.
But seriously, I have seen how my neighbour treats her wife. I have seen her carry the gas cylinder because mwanaume ni nguvu, while her wife walks beside her, carrying nothing but her confidence and beauty.
And I know we will have tonnes of opinions about this. The moral police and the Bible worriers will surely have something to say and they will say it. Democracy is what this is all about. But as a man, I feel like our position in the society is at risk. Women are no longer desperate for husbands. At least a bigger percentage of them aren’t. When a husband comes, he will come. When he doesn’t, well and good. Women no longer need you to satisfy their sexual desires, they have other things and other women for that if they swing that way.
And where does this leave us men? Are we still in control of our dynasty? Because I know that woman, even in this error of sponsors, still love for real. So you can only imagine what will happen if they decide to love each other. And you know what, no matter what our opinions are, they won’t change shit. A few uncultured men and women have been pointing accusing fingers at single mums, calling them all sort of names. But look around, no seriously look and tell me if you won’t see a single mum successfully raising her kid(s) on her own. It is the same way, women who are into women will continue to be whether we like it or not. The best we can do, as men, is hold on to the few who are still interested in us and love them like we can never love again.
Because whether we believe it or not, the ground has shifted. Two weeks ago, we were travelling from shags. Me, my big bro and my young cousin. We were cruisng past Nakuru, listening to this radio I can’t remember its name and then this woman called in to reveal her big secret. Apparently, the show was all about that. Calling in and revealing your secret. So her big secret and confession were that she was a lesbian and had been for a very long time. Hers was a fucked up story. And her big challenge was how to reveal it to her parents.
The temperature in the car got high. You know, we all felt like changing the station because of the things that were said but that would have made the situation even more awkward. So we both prayed that the conversation would end soon but the presenters kept pressing on and on and we both shifted in our seats and whistled and tried to talk over the radio conversation but nothing.
That’s how we are as Africans. We do not like having uncomfortable conversations. At least not face to face. But one day we will be forced to. Especially with our generation.
We can write all the nasty things we want but a day is coming when our daughters, who will be wearing nothing but weaves and bangles in the name of fashion, will walk to us in the kitchen as we are opening the fridge and announce, “Guess what, dad, Laura just proposed and I said YES!”