The day seemed brighter. Did the sun have Morning Glory for breakfast? Curious, the village went about its business with prying eyes, and that’s when we saw her. She was light skinned. Her short hair rested on her head like a crown. Her shy smile gracefully curved through her chubby cheeks. Her bosom made her chest seem like a bouncing castle. Ronald, a man who only went to school to keep the desks company before he got bored and dropped off in Class three, had unwrapped a jewel and the whole village was in awe.
Her name was Eunita.
We all whispered the name Eunita for days. Who was she? What did she see in Ronald that was hidden to the rest of us? Because it could not be his looks. We were all created in the image of God but we have to agree that God must have been pissed about something while creating other people, no? He was short (Ronald, not God). His jaw shaped like an old hacksaw. Always roaming around the village in bathroom slippers and an oversized shirt halfway unbuttoned. This was not even Beauty & The Beast. More like Beauty & The Wizard?
But we were just jealous; Ronald had found himself a gorgeous wife and earned himself total respect while at it. Their marriage, which started like all marriages started—stealing a girl from her home and sneaking her into your Simba at night, locking her in the house for weeks until the search party arrives at the conclusion it would always arrive at—sailed.
Days past and the glowing Eunita glowed even more with pregnancy. After nine months, baby number one arrived. Singing here, ululations there, the baby started crawling and no sooner had he learned how to walk without holding to things than Ronald knocked up Eunita again. Feet dragging here, saliva spitting there, baby number two arrived. A baby girl with her mother’s gorgeousness.
It was time for Ronald to shower his wife with many kisses and attention, but he decided to shower her with contempt. As his wife struggled to bring their kids up, he struggled to climb his neighbour’s bed to fuck his wife (remember he was short. Still is). The neighbour’s wife was at least double his age. She had wrinkled eyes and traces of white hair and you would have been forgiven for thinking she was Ronald’s grandmother when you saw them together. Their affair was an open secret. Everyone knew they were fucking each other, including Eunita and Ronald’s neighbour, both of whom were helpless.
The neighbour, a man of modest means, always with his donkey, carrying things from one place to the other, was helpless. His wife, who was again older than him, always beat him up like nonsense. Not once, or twice, had she buttered him for disturbing her love-making session with Ronald. Rumour had it that one day, the man showed up at around 9 in the evening, which was like midnight in the village, and heard loud moans coming from his bedroom. He banged on the door, calling out his wife’s name. But the moan grew even louder. The bed squeaked even harder and Ronald groaned. The more he banged the door the more Ronald increased the tempo with which he banged his wife.
You know that your life is finished if your Wife’s side dish isn’t scared of you.
“Open this door or I will break it!” he banged harder, his fist clenched in fury.
The moaning stopped, only to be followed by, “The only thing that will break is your skull if you don’t stop being a nuisance, can’t you see we are busy?” His wife was surely pissed. “Ka vhali solalekha vuchinga ta endakhupa vuvi sana” she warned. If you are not going to stop being stupid, I will beat you up silly.
He knew his wife was not joking, but he was not ready to back down. He attempted to break down the door only for it to flash open. Still naked, his wife went on to give him a beating, banged the door shut and went back to banging Ronald while her husband nursed his wounds out in the cold.
Meanwhile, the lovely smile on Eunita’s face became as dry as a dried twig. She shaved her hair because it had turned brown. Her boobs sagged and when we looked at her we saw nothing that showed she was the same woman who made such a grand entrance into the village. She lost weight. Her palms turned into rocks because she was the one always doing the digging. The fabric of her clothes lost interest in each other and she had to keep them together with threads of different colours. In all this, only her eyes retained their glow, which means they looked misplaced, like tiles on a garden.
She was in this state because of love. Love had brought her here. The same love we sing about. The love that is blind and the love that is understanding. If you ask me, love needs to open its eyes. Not tomorrow, not after we have filed our taxes; it needs to open its eyes now. It could only be love because Ronald had nothing else to offer. Other than his father’s land, which was not even big, he had nothing in his name. Again, either love opens its eyes, or we open ours.
The children grew up malnourished. One day, her family said enough is enough and plucked her from that place. She, together with her children, moved to Nairobi to live with her sister. To Ronald, it was good riddance to bad rubbish. He took his affair with the neighbour’s wife to another level. They drank together. Got into trouble together. Basically, Couple Goals Reloaded.
Because all a flower needs to blossom is constant watering and a little bit of sunlight, both of which Eunita was now getting, she blossomed. When she returned to shags for Christmas, she was glowing again. Her chins had filled up. Her hair was darker and her smile brighter. She wore dresses that wanted nothing else but to be married to her skin. Eunita, the flower that had been left to die, was full of life.
It did not take long for news to reach Ronald that his ‘wife’ was back and in good shape. That his children looked like they swam in a pool of Quencher! He summoned his close friends and elders, sat under a tree with a pot of busaa at their feet, and planned on how they would go to Eunuta’s home to ‘beg for forgiveness.’
On that day, they wore their best clothes, carried their best walking sticks and crowned it all with a coat of ‘humbleness and remorse.’ They were welcomed with both hands. Mandazi was prepared and as they soothed their throats with hot tea and mandazi, they saw children chasing a chicken all over the compound. The Luhya in them broke into a dace. Their forefathers had definitely said a word of prayer for them. Their Chi was overworking. With their stomachs fulled and mouths belching, they leaned back against their chairs and continued with their ‘apologies.’
“Error is to human,” one of the elders said. “Ronald here has learned his lessons and he’s ready to take back his wife and children.”
Ronald and his fellow clansmen nodded in agreement.
“We know our daughter left under unclear circumstances and we are here to make things right,” the elder continued.
After listening to them keenly, Eunita’s brothers thanked them for apologising. They shook hands, hugged, patted each other at the back before one of the brothers cleared his throat and said, “Now that you have eaten and you are full, it’s only right that we move on to the next chapter.”
“Yes. Yes. You are right.”
“Thank you. Once again, thank you all for coming.”
“Don’t mention, our son. We knew this was just a small misunderstanding that could be sorted out in one meeting.”
“Correct. So, I assume you are all full. Or anyone in need of more tea?”
The clansmen, not wanting to fill the space in their stomachs they had preserved for chicken and ugali, declined the more tea offer.
“Nono vasakhulu, nenya enywe mwesi mkone asi sahii,” the brother said. Now, my elders, I want you all to lie prostrate on the floor.”
“Don’t make me repeat myself, please.”
A boy came running in, holding a bunch of canes. A few other men joined them and noticing that they were outnumbered, Ronald and his clansmen did as they were asked and soon after, smoke rose from their asses as the cracks of whips landed on their buttocks.
WUH-PSSSH!! Useless men, why didn’t you come together to help our sister when she was suffering in the hands of your foolish son? WUH-PSSSH!! WUH-PSSSH!! WUH-PSSSH!! WUH-PSSSH!! Unable to withstand the pain, the clansmen wailed and clenched their teeth in pain. But the whips continued cracking until their clothes got torn in the ass region.WUH-PSSSH!! Eunitor’s brothers whipped them till their muscles ached. Then their father took over until his muscles ached. Then the other men took turns whipping them till the canes gave up. It is said a few of them pissed on themselves. And they deserved it…
Because the demons of blind love and stupidity have to be exorcised by all means possible. WUH-PSSSH!
If you haven’t, yet, got a copy of my book After The Storm, M-pesa 1000 to 0702300676(Fabisch Kirui) and Email your location to firstname.lastname@example.org and will have it delivered. Thank you for the love and support so far. WUH-PSSSH!