Adulting 101

Just the other day you were a kid who thought all adults have money and now you are the adult with no money. It’s painful, but it’s true. Because adulting is not what you thought it would be. No one at home is waiting to warm your food and even if there is, you have to contend with the thought they may be poisoning you because you have been saying some bad things to some other adult on WhatsApp and just the other day you were caught, then forgiven, but it’s not the kind of forgiveness you can trust. So because adulting is all about suffering through life, here are things you can do to make your life even more miserable, but in a pleasurable way.

Get a Blowjob from a woman with a tongue piercing. Yes, I said it. To begin with, a woman badass enough to get a tongue piercing is a woman you shouldn’t make love to with your Title Deed in the room, because you will give it to her in the spa of the moment. And then there’s the aspect of you not knowing what to expect and then ending up surprised by her mad skills. You have been through enough, so find you a woman crazy enough to get a tongue piercing and daring enough to suck some dark confessions out of you.

By now the women here are rolling their eyes because how is this going to benefit them? Well, I have something for you too, ladies. Once a year, chipo a man and kick him out at the wee hours of the morning just as he is wrapping his arms around your waist, dying for morning glory. Make him work overnight so that when morning comes you don’t fall into temptations. And just make sure you drive him nuts such that when he calls and you don’t pick up, he starts sending you those miserable texts of, “Is it something I did? I swear I will do better next time.” Haha.

Because in life you got to do that one thing that’s out of the norm just so to feel alive. And speaking of feeling alive, you can never truly feel alive until you cook your breakfast naked. Just storm into that kitchen with your ‘swingable’ swinging and whip yourself some breakfast, preferably while whistling some Christina Shusho song. Nakedness in the kitchen is a whole different level of freedom. It is being vulnerable in a good way. Just make sure no one else is in the house because making breakfast while naked with other people in the house may signify you are either a pervert or you need to be admitted at Mathare hospital. And this only works with breakfast, people. Making lunch naked is just ridiculous.

Once in a while, engage with the petty criminals. You know those petty criminals who wrongfully send you money on M-pesa or those with goods that just landed at the port? The last of that kind to approach me was called Hamisi. He fed me a lot of bullshit and because I was idle, I decided to engage him.

“Oh, Hamisi, you mean if I help you clear the goods you will give me half a milli? This deal is too good to be true and I am literally shaking right now.”

“I will even give you more than that sababu wewe ni mwelewa.”

“So do I need to go to Mombasa to clear the goods?”

“No, that will not be necessary. Just send money to this number and someone who is already in Mombasa will clear them for me.”

“Sawa, give me a few, sawa?”

Hamisi is still waiting for the money. Point is, take some time out of your busy schedule to engage these petty criminals. They are people like us, only that they are always making the wrong choices in life. Haha. Just kidding.

Anyway, do what you have to do as an adult to stay sane, even if it’s letting a thousand people at the M-pesa shop who all came before you be served first before you can withdraw your 150 bob from the M-pesa. We have all been there, unless you were born rich, in which case we have not all been there. Between you and poverty you have one hundred and eighty bob that’s on your M-pesa and you need the money. At the M-pesa there are other customers, transacting in thousands. Now you have to pretend not to be in a hurry even as the M-pesa chap says, “Huyu alikuja kwanza wacha nimserve. Unatoa how much?”

And suddenly you can’t find your words. Haha.

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