Man Down

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You grow up as a man wanting to be a conqueror. You want to nail her on the wall and leave her stuck on that wall long after you are done with her like a mosquito that has just faced the wrath of your palm. You want to pin her down, your right hand on her neck and the left one on her breast as you ask, for the umpteenth time, who is her daddy. You want her to think of you fondly when you are away. And to tell her friends who are wondering what she sees in you that if only they knew. You want all this, and that’s why your erection starts a day after she confirms she is coming and ends two days after she has left. But one day, cries of war will sound and the footsteps of the encroaching enemy will get louder and louder, but your soldier will not rise to the occasion.

From Kisii With… Witchcraft?

“Why do Luhyas have to be so strange? I mean, they eat locusts, can’t have any other thing for dinner but Ugali, and the worst of all, they must marry more than one wife! What’s wrong with these people?” A friend of my friend’s girlfriend wondered loudly before sipping her whisky. She was in a red off the shoulder dress that showed no cleavage but which enhanced her massive breasts, standing on her chest like an impending calamity. She had a dimple on her left cheek and her tiny nose stood out. It’s like it didn’t want to be there. Or it did not want to be a nose in the first place. Perhaps it wanted to be the forehead, which is massive, but God said, No, you will be the nose, I already have set aside an acre of a forehead for her.

We were seated in a noisy, dingy club in town, one which horde all the fun. Everyone you see in this club is unhinged. The women here do not sit pretty, cross their legs and dub their lips with a napkin after every sip. No, they dance and shake their butts and sing along to every music that plays. And they are all very beautiful. Not the inner beauty, of course, but the one we can all see and therefore verify.

Am I Homophobic?

brianmbanacho |

No judgment, but we have men who are turned on by being tickled with a feather under their feet or armpits, preferably a duck’s feather. For others, it’s the sight of their women dressed like a plumber that does the trick. But of all the fetishes people harbour out here, a story about how to wash Sufuria Ya Ugali did not feature on my top list of things that can give a man a boner, but then I do not know people. I posted the story both on my page and Let’s Cook Kenyan Foods Group. It was a hilarious story meant to make people laugh and not teach them anything. As expected, friend requests start streaming in and I did a lousy job of accepting them because I am that lazy.

One man, tired of waiting in line, decided to go a step further because you only get ahead by being extra. Together with his Biblical name, he matched to my inbox and said, “I choose to request to be your friend, after reading your story about sufuria ya ugali!!! imeweza.”

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Love Scandal

cute ladies

Tony had his arms wrapped around Eve’s waist, holding her closer to him. And she had her arms around his neck, head resting on his chest. “You have made so happy, my love,” Tony whispered to her left ear. She smiled. The kind of smile that split her face into two because it stretched from one ear to the other. A glorious smile. A smile with an ass. She then kissed him on the neck and said, “And you me, Tony.”

“Mum will be very excited to hear this,” he said.

“Planning to let her know already?”

“But not over the phone. I will soon travel to the city and tell her in person.” He then drew in air through his nostrils and let it out with a sigh, “I can only imagine how priceless her face would look like when she finds out you have agreed to marry me.”

“I agree she will be excited. Me I can’t wait to tell Valentine & Clair about it,” She pulled away from him and said, “By the way, did you know that Sam and Valentine are sleeping with each other?”

Love Scandal

african_american_wedding_norman_rankin_janethowardphotography065

Eve had this distant look when she came home that evening from work. At the door, she kicked off her shoes and literally dragged her feet across the living room, past Clair who was watching TV, past her mum who was hand-sewing a sweater and past her dad who was dozing off on the couch. She only cast them this look and walked to her room without saying a word.

Clair and her mum followed her with their eyes until she disappeared into the hallway leading to her room before turning to each other, “What’s wrong with her?” Clair asked.

“How would I know?” her mum replied before shifting her attention back to the sweater.

Love Scandal

black-love

It hurt her more that Tony had betrayed her trust. Cuddled between her sheets, a pillow stuffed below her head, Eve remembered the words Tony told her the first day they met ~ Lying to women is as easy as breathing to me~ he said. How she wished she had believed him the first time. She bit her lower lip and fought the tears that were threatening to roll out of her eyes, down her cheeks and onto the pillow like it had been the case for the past two days. She was to blame too, yes, but she had cried enough. In fact, she was not angry anymore. The anger she had for Tony was slowly being replaced with hate. A hate so passionate it could move mountains further than faith could.

Love Scandal

fight

The room went silent. And the air pregnant with suspense. Eve could not even hear herself breath, or her heart beat. She sat there stiff, stiffer than a dead log, her arms clutched around herself. Staring at her was Tony, his heart beating so hard, his mind on an overdrive, and his conviction that theirs would be a love story with a happy ending slowly dwindling. He felt helpless. Hopeless even. And he had no one but himself to blame.

He tried wrapping his arms around Eve but she gently but firmly pushed him away, followed by the words, `Don`t touch me.` Her voice was not harsh. But even in its softness Tony could detect bitterness and hate crawling out of it like roaches into his heart. `What have I done?` He murmured to himself.