You grow up as a man wanting to be a conqueror. You want to nail her on the wall and leave her stuck on that wall long after you are done with her like a mosquito that has just faced the wrath of your palm. You want to pin her down, your right hand on her neck and the left one on her breast as you ask, for the umpteenth time, who is her daddy. You want her to think of you fondly when you are away. And to tell her friends who are wondering what she sees in you that if only they knew. You want all this, and that’s why your erection starts a day after she confirms she is coming and ends two days after she has left. But one day, cries of war will sound and the footsteps of the encroaching enemy will get louder and louder, but your soldier will not rise to the occasion.
Your first reaction will be to panic. To tap your soldier and whisper rather too loudly, “It’s time!” but he will not be moved. If anything, if he was sleeping silently, he will now start snoring to the dismay of the ene.. sorry, woman, who by this time will be looking at both you and the soldier in disgust, as if you willingly instructed your soldier not to fight this war. And you know what the worst part is? That there is nothing you can do or say to rescue the situation. You cannot say, “This has never happened,” even if it’s true because women interpret this phrase to mean it always happens and you are simply incapable of facing your inadequacies like a man
It is a moment of severe pain.
And this is where the Lord is supposed to help you.
But seeing as you would probably be fornicating, you will not want to bring in the Lord to your woes. You will not even want to think of Him, because that might just remind him to renovate your torture chamber. So you will be forced to deal with this thing as a man by standing firm, haha, and demand that acheze-cheze nayo kidogo hadi iamke. You have to make sure that you sound authoritative as you say this cliché line. You have to sound like a Lion. A rained on Lion that’s now looking like a mouse, not even a cat, but a lion all the same.
At this time you have to understand the situation is out of your hand and is now supposed to be in her hand. If she loves you, or if she has a little bit of tolerance, she might decide to help you rescue the situation. But if her waiting list is long, she might just dress up and leave, and you will be surprised if this will not be a topic on Radio Jambo the next morning. Or Classic FM. But before it gets to the radio station, her friends WhatsApp chats will be lit, and the next time you come on Social Media to give a motivational talk they will chuckle knowingly.
You will be doomed as a man.
And it is what it is.
It doesn’t matter that she was the one with the problem. That she came wearing a Mothers’ Union that could be used by soldiers in Somalia as a parachute during hard times, as a man you are supposed to make sure your soldier is always standing upright and ready to defend your honour. You are supposed to look beyond the parachute and fight with pride. But sometimes your spirit is willing but the body is unwilling.
It doesn’t matter that she is a closeted Driving School Instructor. From the moment you take off her bra to the moment your lips touch hers, instructions fly all around you, dropping like grenades. You fumble, your brain not sure which instruction to process and which one not to, in the process sending mixed signals to your soldier who will decide to sit this one out.
Whatever the case, when this happens you will be at your lowest as a man. You will not be able to speak in a loud voice, at least not for weeks, and you will be dreading the next battle, the next war, thanks to the trust issues you will be having with your soldier. And because no man out there has ever admitted to their soldier choosing sleep over war, you will have no one to talk to about this, except google, which will tell you the best option is to become a catholic father, now that chances of you becoming just a father are low.
It’s at this point that you will listen to all motivational speeches as long as they include phrases like, “You Will Rise Again.” You will hope that preaching is not one of her side hustles and that she won’t be preaching about your inadequacies to an eager audience, though this is unlikely to happen. But as man, you have to be prepared for these moments. To know that when they said you will win some and lose some, this is exactly what they meant. That you will be down, but the idea is not to stay down.
PS: I haven’t blogged for a while and today I felt the itch, so here I came, haha. If you are here, it’s about time I let you know that I have three books to my name. After The Storm, The Honourables and When A Stranger Called. Click link to WhatsApp me and place an order https://bit.ly/hereforbooks